Thoughts

I got stuck on a show last night where they followed a lady for seven years as she went from 653lbs to 200lbs (with gastric bypass). It was fascinating.

Most people didn't get it. You look at a "fat person" and think, "Well, DUH... Eat less!" They don't understand the reasons it started, the reasons it snowballed. People would look at her "before" picture and not understand what it took to get to her current weight. The PAIN.

It took me a while to figure out why I was so drawn to her. But I began to see so many correlations to pain that I have experienced.

When people hear about women in abusive relationships, they think, "Well, DUH... Leave him!" So many people truly don't understand.

She kept saying, I remember being fat.

I remember too. I remember being in a situation that I couldn't get out of. I knew it was wrong. I knew I deserved better. I smiled, I lied, I continued the pattern. I didn't have the strength, the resources to stop. I needed outside intervention. I needed help. But I was scared of the judgement. Scared of the pain it would bring. The repercussions. The danger. The PAIN. It was easier to stay in dysfunction where I knew what to expect. I knew the rules of dysfunction and followed them well. I wasn't hiding food, I was hiding a bruise... a secret.

After this lady lost the weight, she continued to walk the same way - with a dramatic swing because she used to have so much skin to swing back and forth. She had to learn how to walk normal again.

My mom and I joked that she was deprogramming me. I had to relearn how to live normal. Normal boundaries, normal reactions, normal THOUGHTS. And there was a lot of pain.

I had to turn to my own Physician for pain management. To learn how to live again. My medication was my journal - a true diary between me and the Lord. I needed it on a very regular basis. I still have the journals. They show a journey of His truths, and me actively embracing them. My true happiness and joy came from God. I had accepted His gifts! The Faith in His sovereignty. The Hope in His word. The Trust in His plan.

He loved me no matter what mess I had gotten myself into. He was going to love me through other's judgements and opinions. He was going to love me even when I was in so much pain that dysfunction sounded way easier! He was going to love me through to the other side.

And I got there. I got the "weight" off. Mostly. I had become financially independent. I had a beautiful son. I had an amazing husband with whom I had a very normal relationship (praise be to God on that one!).

For years, I was *almost* normal size. Still had that 15lbs of fear hanging on. True fear. I would have a physical reaction at the sound of his voice. I still cowered under it. And I prayed. Prayed and prayed for release from that!

This lady was losing weight, but the skin was hanging on. She needed her doctor to surgically remove it. One surgery for this kept her in the hospital for two months. It was a long and painful recovery, but necessary. She literally needed to have her body reconstructed after the abuse and healing process had distorted it so severely. Who wants to walk around with all the extra skin when you are trying to get past the past??

One day last summer, during a prayer time, I had a peace wash over me like I had never experienced before. Supernatural. And I realized I had finally accepted The Peace.

It was a night where he was coming over to pick up ZZ. And I kept ZZ inside for a moment. And then I walked outside *alone* (if you know me - this in itself was soooo big!! Brian was in shock!)

And you know what? Know what I said? I walked right out onto my porch and said, "I'm not afraid of you anymore." (still remembering the look in his face...lol!) I went on to respectfully admit my responsibility in the dysfunction, and that I would not be a doormat anymore.

I looked fear in the face and I was okay!! I had finally shed that last 15 lbs. Because my God was with me. My Great Physician had finally finished my reconstruction!!

Last week I actually went to court all by myself!! Tiny butterflies as I walked up to the courthouse. But God swooped in and I chose to take His Peace with me, through that metal detector, and right up to the 325th judicial courtroom. :)


Most people don't know my past. Most wouldn't understand it.


I had a friend confide in me that her husband hit her. You'd never know it. He is a nice guy who comes off totally normal. (they usually do!) He's funny and plays with his kids. But he hits her. She wasn't ready to leave. This was 4 years ago. She's still with him. She might be reading this. If so, know that I am praying for you sweet friend. I've never stopped. And I know you why you are still there. I know. The path out looks too long. Too hard. Too painful. Too scary. Too dangerous. Too unfair for the kids. Too financially impossible.

I know.

And it's not easy. And there are repercussions. I'm 7 years out and still dealing with issues.

But morbidly obese people..... their hearts can't handle the weight. Neither can you. Not alone.


A family member mailed me a letter last month. Out of the blue. She said she was proud of me. She hoped one day I'd have the courage to share my story to help others.

This lady on TV said that people now thought of her as normal looking - especially ones that didn't know she used to be obese. She struggled with that and carried a picture around to show people what she used to look like. She works with her gastric bypass dr counseling morbidly obese people considering surgery. She encourages them, educates them on the long painful road ahead, and serves as a real life example that there is a way out.

If you are in a situation where you would like to hear how God loves you and can empower you, strengthen you, and release you, please let me know. Let someone know.